In the post-Mormon community, many of us were raised by parents who couldn’t offer unconditional love because their deepest held beliefs were not compatible with it. On top of that, many of us were devoted to a God who really sucked at love in a lot of ways (read my post about conditional love in the LDS church).
With that background, how do we learn to give unconditional love? Is it even safe to give it?
I think unconditional love is not only safe, but is key to building relationships of connection, growth, and healing. As for how we give it, let’s explore that.
Letting Go of Conditional Love
Most of us have experienced conditional love that subtly (or not so subtly) sets up conditions under which love, acceptance, and approval are available. For example, “If you go to church every week I’ll think you are a good person.”
With conditional love, we set ourselves up as the authority on what it means to be a good person, and we expect others to conform to our chosen rules if they want our acceptance. This is an inherent part of the LDS church and was written deeply into our understanding of reality.
To varying degrees, we were taught that pushing ourselves and others to be good people is love: it’s just wanting the best for everyone. Let’s look at some questions that highlight the weakness of that position:
- What does it mean to be a good person?
- Can we be sure we know?
- Who gets to decide?
- Why would we think our kids aren’t already good people?
- Why would we think we can make them good people?
- Are we, ourselves, good people?
- At what point do we know we or they have arrived at ‘good person’ status?
In the church, these questions are magnified by the goal for perfection. Being a good person isn’t even enough: we have to become perfect. But again, who is deciding what perfect is? Each family in the church is chasing their own flavor of perfection. Whose interpretation is right?
In this setting, kids (and adults) become confused and discouraged, because when love is conditional, worth is not only an achievement, it’s an achievement with a moving target!
A New Perspective
When we really open ourselves up and ponder these questions, it eventually becomes clear that our job as parents isn’t to mold our children into good, worthy, perfection-seeking people. And we see that we aren’t actually qualified to do that because we don’t even really know what that means.
So why can’t we just let go of that expectation and allow ourselves to love and accept them now, as they are?
Well, one reason this is hard to do that is because for those of us who were raised with conditional love, it can feel dangerous to offer unconditional love to our children. And, honestly, we find that we have no idea how to do it.
Parenting from Unconditional Love
Here’s what parenting from unconditional love looks like:
- Unconditional love is loving our child for who they are.
- It means our acceptance and approval are not changed by our child’s
- Behavior
- Appearance
- Beliefs
- or Ability to meet our needs.
- It means acceptance of the whole child:
- Strengths
- Struggles
- Uniqueness
- It means love is not a reward–it’s a given.
One of my favorite things about being a mom outside of the church is that now I get to watch my children with delight and wonder instead of with worry and fear. I don’t have to steer them, or correct them, or manipulate them. I can just enjoy them and watch with curiosity to see what they choose to do with their lives. It’s a marvelous change.
But let’s be clear that this doesn’t mean that I want it to be anything goes in our house. So let’s talk about what parenting from unconditional love is not:
- Unconditional love is not permissiveness.
- Unconditional love is not lack of boundaries.
- Unconditional love is not ignoring our own needs.
If you’re like me, it feels overwhelming and foreign to even begin to wrap our minds around what this might look like in real life. So here’s a starting point:
| Conditional Love | Unconditional Love |
| Control-Based Parenting “I manage and control my child’s behavior.” | Connection-Based Parenting “I support my child in learning to manage themselves.” |
| Uses rewards/punishments to enforce compliance | Uses connection and modeling to build self-awareness |
| Focus on immediate obedience | Focus on long-term internal regulation |
| Behavior determines worth or goodness | Behavior communicates a need |
| Misbehavior is a threat to authority | Misbehavior is an opportunity for connection and growth |
This can really take some time to get our minds around. So let’s look at some examples of how to do this.
How to Love Unconditionally
There are a few key concepts to help us grasp the mindset change:
- Presence
- Acceptance
- Loving Boundaries
- Consistency
- Repair
Presence
Presence is simply showing up emotionally and physically. Sometimes this looks like sitting beside our child while they cry instead of sending them to their room. Or we can just pause to really listen, without fixing or correcting:
“I’m here. I can see this is hard. You don’t have to go through it alone.”
We can choose to stay close and make sure our words or actions never feel like abandonment.
Acceptance
Acceptance includes:
- Validating feelings
- Respecting individuality
- Separating behavior from worth
This means learning from our child’s behavior instead of needing to ‘fix’ it. If they lash out or melt down, instead of thinking, “How do I stop this?”, we can ask ourselves, “What is this behavior telling me about what they need?”
Shifting from correction to curiosity builds trust. It teaches our kids that their emotions, their behavior, even they themselves are not a problem to be solved.
Loving Boundaries
Loving boundaries allow us to hold firm limits without withdrawing love.
Boundaries:
- Are necessary.
- Can be delivered with calm, not control.
- Protect the connection with our child instead of breaking it.
So instead of saying:
“Don’t talk to me that way! Go to your room until you can be respectful”
We can try something like:
“I hear that you’re angry, but I can’t be spoken to that way. Let’s both take a break and talk when we’re calmer.”
For more ideas about how to hold boundaries with unconditional love read my post: Post-Mormon Parenting: Balancing Unconditional Love and Boundaries.
Consistency
Consistency means we keep coming back to presence and acceptance. We give our kids reassurance and connection. Even if we slip, we keep coming back to it. This lets our kids know that our love is constant. It’s not just there when they’re “easy to love.”
Our love stays present through:
- Tantrums
- Backtalk
- Lying
- Disappointment
It teaches our children:
“You are not only loved when you’re good or convenient. You are loved because you are mine. Always.”
Repair
Repair reminds us that we, as parents, also deserve unconditional love when we mess up–which we inevitably will. What matters is what we do next.
If we yell or act in a way we regret, we can focus on repairing the relationship:
“I’m sorry I yelled. That’s not the parent I want to be. You didn’t deserve that, and I love you no matter what.”
In our new unconditional love mindset, we can realize that apologizing doesn’t weaken our authority. Apologizing builds emotional safety and shows our kids how to admit and fix their mistakes, too.
Benefits of Unconditional Love
Leaning into new mindsets and learning new skills takes effort. And in some ways, parenting from unconditional love takes more effort than conditional parenting. So why bother?
Here are some of the benefits that come from leaning into unconditional love:
For our children:
- Builds self-worth that isn’t performance-based.
- Creates emotional safety and resilience.
- Encourages authenticity and independence.
For parents:
- Reduces power struggles and guilt/shame cycles.
- Deepens connection and joy in the relationship.
- Frees us from the pressure to control every outcome.
Building relationships in this way is a whole new world and can be powerfully satisfying. And for many of us, learning to love without conditions isn’t just a gift to our children — it’s the love we always needed ourselves.
A Radically Beautiful Shift
This is a lot. For me, some of the aspects of parenting from unconditional love are easier than others. It often seems like I’m just feeling my way through. But it helps me to remember we don’t have to get it right every time; we can just focus on not using our presence or affection manipulatively.
It also helps to know that fostering this fully accepting love will lead to healing for us, for our children, and for our relationships. We don’t have to parent perfectly. We can just show up with presence, acceptance, and a willingness to repair when we get it wrong.
You may also enjoy: Too Tired to Parent from Unconditional Love?
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